Stargate Atlantis Flashfiction

Title: "Important: Do Not Kill The Scientist"
Author: The Spike
Spoilers: none
Rated: S for silly and P for pornless




To:Staff Sargeant Brian Pedersen, Chief Cook, Atlantis
cc:Kitchen Staff, Atlantis
cc: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, Director, Atlantis
From: Dr. Rodney McKay, Department Head, Science, Atlantis

Subject: Important: Do Not Kill The Scientist

Dear Staff Sargeant Pedersen and Kitchen Staff of Atlantis,

Without me you would all be dead several times over. Since I have prevented your horrible and untimely demises please return the favour and keep these lists handy and available to all kitchen staff at all times. I would recommend memorizing their contents because yes, they are that important and yes, I will keep asking.

Appendix A: Things Not To Feed Me As They Will Cause My Horrifying, Painful, Traumatic Death Right In Front Of You

i Citric Acid, Bane of Mankind
Citric Acid is used as a preservative in everything. If the food was processed on Earth and then commercially jarred, canned or tetrapacked, it has citric acid in it. If you feed me things with citric acid in them I will... okay, usually not die because of the relatively small amount but be very uncomfortable and more important, very irritable, which is really as much of a problem for you as it is for me. See how that works?

Please read the labels of any processed food, beverages or condiments and please have said labels available for my personal inspection. The presence of citric acid may also be denoted on any given label by one of these chemical formulae: C6H8O7; CH2(COOH)oCOH(COOH)oCH2(COOH); 2-hydroxy-1,2,3-propanetricarboxylic acid, or by it's additive designation: E330.

Be aware that citric acid is also annoyingly found in detergent and other cleansers so rinse those dishes well!
.
ii. Citrus fruits, fresh or dried -- this is an incomplete list

Amanatsu
Bergamot oranges (and hence Earl Grey Tea!!!!)
Buddha's fingers
Blood oranges
Cedros
Citrons
Clementines
Dekopon
Grapefruits
Iyokan
Ichang Lemon
Kabosu
Kaffir Limes
Kalamansi Limes
Key Limes (and all attendant pies, cookies or puddings)
Kumquats
Lemons
Lime leaves
Limequats
Limes
Limettas
Limons
Mandarin oranges
Meyer oranges
Minneola oranges
Orangellos
Oranges
Pommelos
Ponkan
Rangpur
Satsuma oranges
Seville oranges
Shaddock
Shikwasa
Taiwan Tangerines
Tangelos
Tangerines
Ugli Fruits
Uncola Nuts (thank you, Botany. I owe you for making this advertising nightmare a reality.)
Yuzu

iii. Common Foodstuffs That People Have Recently Tried To Kill Me With Because They Weren't Paying Attention

Murchies Chai Holiday Tea (mmm, orange-spice flavoured DEATH!)
No-name Strawberry Jam (Death on toast)
Cherry 7-Up (almost worth dying for, but really not.)
EARL GREY TEA!!!!! (Please stop arguing with me about this!!)
Sour gummy worms. (shudder!)

Appendix B: Symptoms of Severe Allergic Reaction with Anaphylaxis, Just To Keep The Big Picture In Mind

May include:

respiratory distress
hypotension (low blood pressure)
fainting (aka 'passing out')
unconsciousness
urticaria (hives),
flushed appearance
angioedema (swelling of the face, neck and throat)
vomiting
itching
anxiety, including a sense of impending doom (and no, I am not suffering from chronic anaphylactic reaction. Why yes, I have heard all these jokes before.)
death
and also
DEATH

Thank you for your kind attention in this matter. In future I hope this will prevent any further food related incidents requiring trips to the infirmary for either of us. Take that as you will.

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Rodney McKay